Game Updates List is empty even when I have dozens of pending updates.

Sorry to hear it. Please make sure there are no pending updates for your PC. Even the smallest update can cause issues with games and apps. I would also like to suggest checking to make sure your Drivers (graphics, hardware, etc) have no pending updates.

When you have the new console and have recovered your game tag to it, you can reinstall the Preview Dash from the ready to install list and then use the Preview Dashboard to re-register for Preview. I did this recently with an Elite console and as soon as
the updates started being released again, I was in again.

It will state pending in the PD until you download the first update, so don't panic when it just says pending. You may lose all score in Preview until then as well, but it will return once you have downloaded an update.

I turned my xbox on to check up on the update and now theres no update. When I checked latest update status under settings, it reads update pending..wtf is going on with all these updates?theyre not even working.

The update isn't listed next to the game. I also already emptied the cache. None of this worked. The game is supposed to display the version on the bottom right of the title screen. If the title update were installed, it would read "1.0.2." I don't see that
at the bottom anywhere, leading me to believe that I don't have the update.

Usually games that are downloaded digitally, already have the title update installed. But just to make sure, you can check by going to your xbox 360's storage device and find the game. If the title update is over 5MB and is listed with your game, then
that will be why the title update did not download when you first started the game. If however the title update is less than 5MB, then it will be stored in the system cache. Try emptying the cache, so your game could re-download the update again.